Wednesday, December 03, 2008

An open letter to Apple

Dear Apple:

So I am pissed off at you. Look, you have funny commercials, solely because John is funny as shit. Beyond that, you blow. And you keep stealing the money of my friends because you can convince them that “oooo my computer is recyclable” or “I won’t ever crash!”

I see you for the parasite you are. You are an advertising genius. Who else can throw out frivolous lies and get the public to believe them? Just today, Gizmodo produced a link to a story in which you were quoted as saying…

Plaintiff's claims, and those of the purported class, are barred by the fact that the alleged deceptive statements were such that no reasonable person in Plaintiff's position could have reasonably relied on or misunderstood Apple's statements as claims of fact.

In other words, your advertisements are lies and you know it. You also know people will swallow it whole. Well maybe it is time we release the truth! Guess what buddy, I know that every computer is recyclable 100% now, not just you. I don’t think China would exist without that industry come to think of it… I also know that you are more expensive than a PC of equal computing power. Your “3G” iPhone? Gimmie a fucking break, you are lucky to be 2G in most service areas.

Please don’t even get me started on you never crashing. Oh, sorry, you “Kernel” error instead. Well la de da. I wasted half my college tuition waiting for your superior media developing devices to un-stall and let me finish my project.

Beyond the lies, your other transgressions are just diabolic. iPod batteries cannot be replaced and die in under two years of average consumer use. iPhones have a backdoor off switch for applications people paid good money for, allowing you to take them away with no refund whenever you wish. Your iPhone is also made of such shitty material that they ship with cracks in the casings. Steve Jobs is an evil robot.

Yet through it all, you win. You sell, you lie, you sell some more and lie some more. How do you win? Pretty lights. All your consumers amount to nothing more than a moth to a flame. Aesthetics and ad sense are the only reason you succeed, and just as you quoted above… it is all a lie.

With love,



Kristin said...

i hate you