Why Ad writers don't write movies... most of the time

Reading some news articles… who am I kidding… blog posts today, I found myself wondering why so many people, millions really, are so shocked that Transformers 1 and 2 were some of the worst movies ever made. G.I. Joe is ready to step in and take T2’s spot next week. Why such a shock though? Look at what you are working with for source material, and who was put in charge.


Transformers and G.I. Joe were not well written, story driven, childhood gems. They were commercials. 30 minuets long, decade spanning commercials, designed to sell toys. Trying to make a real movie out of them is like trying to take the Geico cavemen and make a TV show…. Oh yea, opps... well, point proven.

We didn’t watch these shows because they had stories on par with Looney Toons or Chip and Dales Rescue Rangers. We watched them because they had toy tie ins that we were captivated by and bought.

Very few of these series in the 80s had anything close to smart intellectual property, and because of that, I don’t ever expect the likes of Michael Bay or any other talentless director to be able to craft a real story about them.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had a moderate amount of entertainment value and success as a movie franchise, but that was because the source material had real writing and didn’t have to showcase a new vehicle or character every week to buy. There is one other hope for a great movie from our childhood in line with the Turtles. Thundercats.

The Thundercats were one of the most unique and well written ideas and series in the entirety of the decade, and it would transfer over beautifully to the live action big screen with the correct team.

Just take a look at what fans were able to do. (from io9) Gets you kinda juiced up doesn’t it?

An open letter to Apple

Dear Apple:

So I am pissed off at you. Look, you have funny commercials, solely because John is funny as shit. Beyond that, you blow. And you keep stealing the money of my friends because you can convince them that “oooo my computer is recyclable” or “I won’t ever crash!”

I see you for the parasite you are. You are an advertising genius. Who else can throw out frivolous lies and get the public to believe them? Just today, Gizmodo produced a link to a story in which you were quoted as saying…

Plaintiff's claims, and those of the purported class, are barred by the fact that the alleged deceptive statements were such that no reasonable person in Plaintiff's position could have reasonably relied on or misunderstood Apple's statements as claims of fact.

In other words, your advertisements are lies and you know it. You also know people will swallow it whole. Well maybe it is time we release the truth! Guess what buddy, I know that every computer is recyclable 100% now, not just you. I don’t think China would exist without that industry come to think of it… I also know that you are more expensive than a PC of equal computing power. Your “3G” iPhone? Gimmie a fucking break, you are lucky to be 2G in most service areas.

Please don’t even get me started on you never crashing. Oh, sorry, you “Kernel” error instead. Well la de da. I wasted half my college tuition waiting for your superior media developing devices to un-stall and let me finish my project.

Beyond the lies, your other transgressions are just diabolic. iPod batteries cannot be replaced and die in under two years of average consumer use. iPhones have a backdoor off switch for applications people paid good money for, allowing you to take them away with no refund whenever you wish. Your iPhone is also made of such shitty material that they ship with cracks in the casings. Steve Jobs is an evil robot.

Yet through it all, you win. You sell, you lie, you sell some more and lie some more. How do you win? Pretty lights. All your consumers amount to nothing more than a moth to a flame. Aesthetics and ad sense are the only reason you succeed, and just as you quoted above… it is all a lie.

With love,

Jason

The monopoly is over!

The time of Jason's tyrannical rule over this probably never read blog has come to an end, for Damman has arrived! Ok, granted I have nothing of interest to say, but at least I can contradict whatever nonsense Uckofay's spewing out. Cheers!

-Damman