Barrier of entry

I've been cursed with feeling insightful today. On a normal day I'll be searching through my usual treasure trove of entertainments to occupy my mind until the next essential comes up, but not today. Today, just glancing about the usual settings yields something new and inspiring. I don't need some overstimulating nonsense to keep my mind going at a normal clip, there's just a natural flow of good ideas coming in. I can even write this blog with a surprising minimum of distractions and needs to drag out my thesaurus. Now what's so damning about this welcome change to the norm? It just so happens I'll tell you.

This insight I'm boasting about comes at a price. All the things crammed at the back of my mind are resurfacing in a fresh new light. It still sounds like I'm complaining about a good thing doesn't it.....well so much of what inhabit the back of my temporal lobe are regrets. Things I've had such well meaning intentions to learn or revisit but never do. Books I haven't read, good movies never watched. Places never explored, ideas never fully thought out. Old friends I haven't reconnected with, girls I was too afraid to ask out.

On a normal day I have reasons for each and every one. "I was focused on something else", "I had too much going on", "I haven't finished that last book I started", "they probably don't remember me", "no WAY she's interested...." But on a day like today, I know these are all barriers I've made for myself. My cozy little comfort box that blocks away all things scary and new. All it would take is to invest some small time and effort to get past that initial hump of doubt and I'll have expanded this minuscule little chunk of existence I inhabit. That's it, that's all. On a day like today, everything feels like it should be in reach.

So why isn't it? Why can't I accomplish everything I want to in life? All kinds of imagined restrictions circle around, but the only one that seems to hold any truth is the one I hate to acknowledge more than any other: Time. Even should I manage to focus and accomplish things one by one, my imagination will always work faster than the rest of me. That's not even counting tomorrow when the flurry of doubts and barriers come back to play. Well, it's 4pm right now. Let's see what I can do today.

On Appreciation

"How can anyone look at all the flowers out here and not believe in God?" This was a question posed to me today at work by a customer (I work at a big retail greenhouse). I don't think she expected an answer, thankfully, because I definitely didn't have one for her. Now, I don't mean to paint a picture of an ignorant or gullible person. It just piqued my interest to hear it. The woman didn't seem particularly evangelical, or critical of anyone who might disagree. She may have even blushed slightly after realizing she said it in public. It was like she saw something meaningful and simply commented on it.

I probably don't share this woman's religious views. If anything, when I look at a sea of flowers I'm more likely to imagine the biological makeup that allows so much complexity to come in to existence from dirt and water; or.....hell, molecules, atoms, effing neutrons! While we might be on opposite ends of the spectrum about creation, it doesn't matter. It's all appreciation.

There was another customer I had last week, she was looking at buying a peony. For the non-gardener/greenhouse worker, this is what a peony looks like.


They grow big, get kinda bushy and have large flowers ranging from red to pink to white. This woman had a garden layout all planned up for her, sketches and all, and in one spot she needed some type of peony. It didn't really matter which one. Of the 10 or so varieties out there, the choice was entirely hers. She spent over 45 minutes agonizing. There had to be one perfect plant to choose, THE SOLUTION, and having that kind of responsibility was causing her just so much grief. I wanted to scream at her, "For god's sake just pick one! You can make your OWN freaking decision!" In the end, I think she elected to put it off until she could contact her garden designer. Hypocrite that I am, I know I've done the same thing in a similar situation. But really, is anything actually that important? I'm not so sure.

If you're still waiting for the point to this, well then one of us has clearly failed. I'm gonna say it's god.